7 Steps to Completely Fix America

Hiya folks! I recently posted a snapshot of my views on death, so I thought I'd take the time to tackle another unpleasant subject: the mess we call America! Never in the longer than four decades I've inhabited space in the U.S. have I seen it this divided. Now look, I'm not going to get political here. I'm not blaming anyone in particular, nor any group in particular. Too often that's the easy way out. The cheap way. Nope, not going to do it here.

That said, I've identified 7 steps to begin correcting what most see as uncorrectable. Now it's going to take some compromise, but that's what our republic is built on, right? Compromise. So without further ado, let's begin.

1. Cut Her Up. That's right. Divide this big busty nation right smack down the middle along a longitudinal line. Let's say, for our purposes, the meridian 100° west (+/- 10°). The reason we'll go vertical this time instead of horizontal (as we did last time the nation was divided in the midst of the Civil War, for those of you unburdened with the knowledge of history), is because we'll want everyone to be able to live happily in whichever climate they choose, be it tropic or tundra. Now, you'll have to be willing to relocate, but believe me it will be worth it. (Choosing not to relocate is acceptable, but you will be required to abide by the new laws of your location.)

2. Build The Wall. That's right. In this scenario, the President gets his wall. Except it won't be along our southern border. No, it will be right along the dividing line between East and West. It can even be a big, beautiful wall. Make it impregnable from both sides. Do you see where this is going?

3. Pick Your Side. One side of the wall will be reserved for so-called "red states" and the other for "blue states." It doesn't matter which side is for whom (we can flip a coin for all I care), but it would seem intuitive that the east would become blue states and the west would become red. Sure, California would have to be ceded to the reds and Dixieland to the blues, but bear with me. We're getting to the good part.

4. Alaska And Hawaii Are Neutral. For those who do not wish to participate in this new separation, they can choose to live in a tropical paradise or the chilly wilds, whichever better suits their climatological tastes. These territories will be wholly neutral to either red or blue status and political fighting shall not be tolerated here. Lebanon, Kansas is also neutral, but we'll get to that shortly.

5. Everyone Now Lives In Utopia. Here's the fun part! Red states, you get all the guns you want and can carry them concealed or in the open. Gun-free zones are outlawed. You're free to fire at will anytime you wish with impunity. Revenue from unchecked firearm sales fund infrastructure upgrades. Your healthcare premiums remain morbidly high and deductibles higher, but you get to see any doctor or specialist your HMO covers. All abortion is instantly outlawed. Bibles become a staple of public school curriculum. There is not, nor ever will be, a Green New Deal and you power your homes and businesses with all the fossil fuels you can mine. Hell, I'm sure the blue states will even trade you all of theirs for all the kale you'll harvest in your new Californian territory. Electric cars DO NOT EXIST here and, in fact, leaded fuel makes a surprising comeback. Moonshine is 100% legal. President Trump can be retitled King Trump and hereditary rule will be instated to ensure his family succeeds him at the time of his demise. Las Vegas is named the red state capital, and is ruled from Trump Tower (natch), which is rebranded as Trump Palace. King Trump hires a private contractor to add his face to Mount Rushmore. MAGA hats (facial tattoos also allowed) are not only encouraged, but are soon required to be displayed in most public places, like casinos and churches. And casino-churches, which will be introduced in a pilot program which rolls out slots on the back of pews in place of hymnals.

Blue states, you get the free healthcare, housing, and education you desire. You can plant as many trees to hug as you wish. You also get guns, but with sensible laws in place. You implement solar, turbine, tidal, and geothermal power to provide sustainable energy. Church and state remain separate entities, though religious affiliations are now required to pay taxes which will fund universal healthcare, housing, and education. Megachurches earning more than a billion dollars annually will pay a steeper tax. High-speed rails are installed that will whisk passengers from Maine to Florida in under two hours, and pollution-producing commercial air flight is eradicated as a result. Solar roadways replace outmoded asphalt, creating thousands of new jobs and safer driving conditions. Washington D.C. is dissolved as the capital and the entire city is turned into the world's largest escape room, just for fun. New York is named the new capital and the Statue of Liberty's age-old visage is re-sculpted into an uncanny likeness of President Ocasio-Cortez (yes, I realize she's too young to serve as president under the current U.S. Constitution, but the Founding Mothers will draft a new constitution on the framework of the old one, only . . . you know, updated). Weed is legal and cheap.

6. If You Live In A Politically Divided Family Never Fear! The city of Lebanon, Kansas and the surrounding area (considered the exact center of the U.S.) will be used as a neutral meeting ground. Here, the wall will extend into a large cubicle formation where scheduled meetings of split families will take place. A variety of restaurants, parks, and events will be available within the Lebanon Free Zone and families can spend up to twenty-four hours at a time visiting and reminiscing about the good ol' days.

7. Free Trade Between The Divided States Is Encouraged But Not Expected. Sure, the states can trade if they wish. Delegates from each side of the wall will often meet in the neutral territories to discuss matters of policy and determine if there will ever be a reason to tear down the wall between the states. These talks, unfortunately, will not go far and ultimately both sides wind up heading home in a huff, both vowing to never return to the negotiating table. Also, all former U.S. military forces are divided equally and agreed upon to be solely used for defensive measures against potential invading foreign entities who view a divided nation as easy prey.

So that's it. This is how to fix the mess that is America. Anything you'd add? Subtract? Multiply? I'd include "Divide?" but we're all pretty well divided as it is.