A Slap on the Wrist for Trolly!

An open letter to Internet Trolls,

Here at Cold Brood, I always welcome comments and feedback. I eat constructive criticism for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

However, if your goal is to leave disruptive, rude, or otherwise stupid comments please understand they will be deleted. This blog is my face on the Web and if you insist on spitting on it, well, I'll just wipe it off. Yes! Do you hear me? I WILL WIPE IT OFF!

Of course the natural reaction would then be to spit in the face of the offending commenter, but no. Because here on the Web, people can hide themselves under that uber-generic ANONYMOUS. Posting as ANONYMOUS is absolutely welcome as long as it's constructive. I love the comments left by all the lovely ANONYMICE. But if you're just going to post mindless drivel under that moniker, you are nothing short of a coward. Plain and simple.

Here's the thing--if you don't like the content of this blog, don't read it. And if you get some perverse pleasure out of throwaway, uncreative, drive-by commenting in the pre-dawn hours when your life seems meaningless please do yourself a favor and seek out that meaning. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Sniff glue. It won't damage your brain anymore than it already is.
2. Try cordless bungee jumping.
3. Drink a glass of paint thinner. That'll clear up the constipation that's got you in such a mood.
4. Skinny dip in hydrochloric acid.
5. Start your own blog so that I can post comments on it. As myself, not a crawling little grub.
6. If you're still feeling ignorant, read this then feel free to bring it on. With the latest in Google Analytics, it won't be hard to pinpoint your location; those maps are detailed.

Oh, look at you! You took your wrist-slap like a perfect little trolly-angel.

You are dismissed. Go nurse your hangover.

Dear Editor: Edit THIS!

As a writer who depends upon editors to buy my work, I realize this post is playing with fire. I'll take my chances.

Often while browsing the 'Net, I'll come across some small press editor or other's blog which I eagerly devour. Invariably, I can depend on finding that obligatory post in which said editor denigrates, belittles, or otherwise condemns the hopeful writers who anxiously submit their work for review only to ultimately be rejected. Hours of clattering away at a keyboard (not to mention even more hours revising draft after draft) before finally clicking SEND on that fateful email, only to wait three months (or more) for a form rejection letter really, well, sucks.

But, hey--that's the industry. I am a professional. I possess the thick skin required to await the inevitable rejection...after rejection...after rejection. I have never replied in anger to an editor who has rejected my work. I accept that not everything I write is perfect (some of it is downright despicable) and I accept that even good stories sometimes get shot down. It just makes each acceptance all the sweeter.

Further, I understand an enormous cross-section of people who think they can write well cannot and a large subset of this group may, by extension, also be classified as unprofessional. I empathize with an editor's frustration when a writer submits piles of pure slush or responds to rejection with bitterness or outright malice. As a one-time editor myself, believe me--I know.

Now let me turn the tables. What follows is an actual reply I received from an editor recently. I am including it here without an iota of retouching. Please note: I'm not picking on editors (especially those of you who currently have a story of mine under consideration. Heh.). Most of my interactions with them have been wonderful learning experiences. Obviously, I am withholding said editor's name. I just couldn't ignore posting this. Read on to see why:

i read some and scanned the rest

you have to tweak it to make it fit more of what i am looking for.

1. stop beginning words with AND. never a good thing

2. make the dialogue more standard format. way to much slang and sloppy writing (i know thats the style but i dont like it)

3. have the character, one or both, take into account what they are doing, they are killing people, its something to think about. this antho isnt about killing people, its about dealing with death. so its needs to be a little deeper.

4. when someone says, somethin. you ned to add an ' on it to replace the G same with em is 'em

if you feel like doing this stuff and sending it again, i dont see whay i cant use it.

(i didnt edit this email much, i dont bother)

thanks

Let's dissect this point by point.

1. From now on, I will stop beginning words with AND. Andalusia, Andrew, Android and several others have now been stricken from my vocabulary. Not really. Because what this person meant to say was "Stop beginning sentences with 'And'." Wait, why is it never a good thing? As long as conjunctions are used sparingly to start sentences, they are perfectly acceptable. I promise. Don't make me go all Strunk & White on you.

2. Standard dialogue format is wonderful if that's the way your character speaks. This particular character doesn't speak in standard English. In fact, I don't know many people who do. Maybe a few stauncher politicians and members of the clergy. I understand too much slang can be distracting, but let it go. Feel the character. Get inside the character's mind, man. Trippy, right?

3. Perhaps if this editor had finished reading the story, the "dealing with death" would have become clearer...since a death is the climax of the story (and actually is implied rather than described). The characters aren't "killing people." Of course, those things might be difficult to glean just from scanning. That got me thinking about how many stories are rejected by editors who don't, you know, actually do their job and read the thing top to bottom. And then I felt my blood pressure rising, so I stopped thinking about it. Must...keep...beast...at...bay.

4. Adding an apostrophe when dropping a letter or letters from a word is the writer's choice. I understand doing so is standard (something this person seems to adamantly uphold), yet it is not required. Just ask a guy named Steve King. Or Cormac McCarthy. Or Bernard Shaw. Me, I prefer a page uncluttered with throwaway punctuation. Still unconvinced? Check out this article, paying close attention to the paragraph labeled "Omission and elision."

5. The penultimate sentence tops everything. Let me get this straight: I am expected to revise my story to make it more standard, but this editor can't be bothered to employ correct spelling, punctuation, grammar, or mechanics? If you don't have the inclination to be professional, then I can see I have wasted time submitting.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, writers. Editors, feel free to weigh in as well. Am I off the mark here? Writers who submit to markets learn quickly they need editors far more than editors need them and that anything perceived as bitterness toward editors comes off as unprofessional. Well, I'm bucking that trend today. Because there are certainly some editors we writers do not need. And (uh-oh, there's that pesky coordinating conjunction starting my sentence again) I'm not bitter in the slightest. Just appalled.